I think my blog is going to be a bit manic in the next few months as I try to come to terms with all the changes that will be taking place in that same space of time. It'll probably get tedious, listening to me complain about all this stuff. So I get it if readership drops off for a while. I know that it's BS for me to complain about what's coming -- the move and the new job. It's just that I have so much anxiety about it that I alternate between wanting to cry and wanting to throw up -- both of which, I rarely do.
But now? I feel like doing both most of the time.
I've got a countdown until July 1 on my landing page when I open Firefox. Today, the number 60 popped up. 60 days until July 1. This time, I wanted to throw up. I am so scared of how this is going to go. I'm so worried about seeming like a complete amateur -- an impostor to the nth degree -- that I can't believe that I've actually gotten a job. Of course, I also have a streak of self-sabotage in me, too, and I'm worried that I'm going to majorly screw this up somehow. (Not sure how. But the creative ways I've managed to sabotage myself in the past have always been difficult to predict.)
Last night, we had my friend and her family over for dinner, and we had a really great time. After they left, I tried to get to bed at around 11, but I couldn't sleep for anything. Instead of fighting it, I got up and started reading The Decameron, which I have never read before, but picked it up recently and thought I should find my way through it when I had snatches of time for "fun" reading. I read about fifty pages last night -- stories from "the first day" -- and I really loved it. (Funny how clergy abuse seems so spectacularly bad in recent history, and yet, there's a precedent for church corruption that reaches back practically as long as the church has been functioning. Boccaccio's stories, which date to half-past the 14th century, are both appalling and hilarious.) A quote that cracked me up from one the stories was: "A sin that's hidden is half forgiven." Ha. Doesn't everyone wish?
So anyway, I read for a while -- didn't dare try to grade, since I had been drinking wine while my friends were over -- and then I lay on the couch thinking about moving and all the stuff I have to do in the next 60 days. It profoundly depressed me. I was up, thinking, until 5:00 a.m. So much for going to bed early. I finally got to sleep and was up, hungover, depressed, tired and grumpy at 7:30. The whole day has had me down.
I wish that I could feel more positive about everything. It's not exactly in my nature, though. Ugh. I will have to throw myself into some work, methinks, in order to just ignore my feelings. Distraction helps. Part of me wishes I could be in therapy right now to have someone to process this with. It doesn't seem like a good idea to start with a new therapist right now, though. When I move, I'll try to find someone. This long transition is going to be hard, though. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and it would all be done.
8 comments:
It's good for you to keep your blog honest. That's what makes it so good. Though I have to say that the throwing up and crying feeling is contagious. Your deadline coincides with mine to submit. 60 days!
ABDMama - 60 days to submit your dissertation? Sigh. I remember those days. So glad I'm never going to do that whole mess again. Good luck. I hope we both manage to keep our throwing up and tears to a minimum. Hugs!
I would be worried if you were just sailing blithely into the sunset, frankly.
It's totally normal to feel overwhelmed about such major life changes. Complain away!
But know this: *everyone* feels nervous about making the transition into the job.
And on top of that, you're going back into family territory, which carries its own set of triggers.
Just take a deep breath and make some lists about what has to be done between now and then and start ticking things off. You're going to make it work and it's going to be GREAT when all is said and done.
Ok? (((((Fie)))))
I can't tell you how nervewracked I get over leaving and arriving, constantly.
Ink +1. You are going to an area of high anxiety for you. Start stacking the bricks around your psyche. Sharpen your sword. Breathe.
unicorn
I'm with you--except I have to move in 25 days! And how much is packed? Um, not very much. But it will get done, somehow.
I'm moving to my fourth job over the course of my career, at a much higher level of responsibility than my current job, and I totally understand the sort of sick feeling. But then I remember that clearly the people who hired me believe in my ability to do it, because I managed to convince them I could do it, so chances are I really can do it. And I know you will be great at your job too. And for both of us the pluses entirely outweigh the minuses.
OK, I'm going to go sort some more stuff to donate to charity and pack some boxes. Not wanting to pack stuff is making me feel very generous about donating!
Have you tried making microlists? I think the big projects are overwhelming you. With small (perhaps) daily to-do lists, you may feel more in control of the situation. (Just a thought!)
Yeah, make lists as Ink says. (I should read comments first before commenting.)
((((Fie))))
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